Always
by Andorian Ice Princess-AIP
Summary: A month after their friend's tragic death, Casey goes searching for Severide knowing that if he doesn't find his friend in time, he might lose him forever. Missing broment scene. Based on eppy 3.01 'Always' Contains MAJOR spoilers!


**Title: 'Always'**

**Summary: **A month after their friend's tragic death, Casey goes searching for Severide knowing that if he doesn't find his friend in time, he might lose him forever. Missing broment scene. Based on eppy 3.01 'Always' Contains MAJOR spoilers!

**Disclaimer: **Chicago Fire and its characters are the property of Dick Wolfe, NBC and….well sadly not me if so then the ever yummy Lt. Casey would be all mine and we'd have a few sweet broments EVERY single eppy!

**A/N:** YAY WE'RE BACK! Oh so bittersweet to be honest! *sigh* Shay's death IMO is as unfair and lame as Hallie's (well maybe not as lame b/c she never should have died. Yup even now still burns me up! stupid dawsey lol ugh!) and I am sad that we got a great broment via this means. But we did get a broment – two actually so yeah *happy bittersweet sigh* but you know Alice and I would be there for you all. I chose to only write about the one at the cabin and expand upon it b/c I don't think Casey would have just left like that (and you know we need our fill of angst). So I hope that's okay and you all enjoy! Thanks everyone and welcome back to a new season!

**Warning: **You might need Kleenex or two.

_Note: "Words in double quotes and italics taken directly from the eppy"_

* * *

><p><em>"I love you Kelly, you know that…always."<em>

"NO! SHAY! NO! OH GOD NO! NOOOOOO!"

XXXXXXXX

As Casey drives out to the one place he thinks his missing friend might be, his mind travels back in time over the past few weeks; focusing on one horrific event that would once again change their lives forever – and not for the better. _Shay's dead…it's just so wrong…_

Of course the whole building collapse had been a turning point for them all, not just mentally, but for some physically and others psychologically. However, for his best friend, the horrible act literally ripped his world apart. His heart starts to beat a bit faster as he recalls Severide calling out to Shay, literally ordering her to wake up…to come back to him…_Don't leave me…oh God don't leave me…not like this…_

He can't help but, in that moment think about how torn and lost he felt after Hallie's murder and how Severide had stepped up and been his strong shoulder to cry on and helped him through the tough time; whether it was just offering a listening ear, holding the punching bag or dragging him out for a cigar break and allowing him to vent. He could offer no less. He would offer no less.

The problem is, much like after Andy's death, Severide turns inward, isolating himself from the rest of the world and not effectively dealing with his loss. He had admitted as much after Hallie's funeral when they shared a quiet moment on the lip of Truck 81. He had playfully scolded Casey for holding his grief inside, and Casey had thought after that moment that he'd have learned. But his absence is troubling and Casey knows he has to get to his friend and offer that same brotherly support in return or risk losing his friend forever.

As he nears the turn off to the cabin, Casey's mind reverts away from a few more comforting memories and settles into something a lot more troubling…disturbing…devastating.

_He remembers coming upon Dawson and Severide trying frantically to use CPR to get Shay to breathe again. To get her to come back to them again. To live…_

_"Shay. Come on Shay…no…no no no…come on Shay! Shay! Come on!...no…no no no!"_

_"Severide!" Casey remembers calling out to his friend as they had to get her body out of the unstable building. But Severide merely shrugged him off and continued his futile attempts at CPR. _

_"No…Shay! NO!"_

But she was gone. There would be no bringing her back. Ever.

Death had the last laugh. It had won. It had shown them that no matter their strength of vision or courage for the future, it could snuff out their existence without blinking an eye or giving them a second thought. It has no prejudice. It has no agenda. It strikes without warning. And in the end can rightly boast about being the last man standing.

Always.

XXXXXXXX

By the time Casey stops his truck in front of the quiet cabin, his eyes are flooded and heart is racing as he too recalls calling out to Shay to open her eyes. But he knows right now it's about helping Severide get back to where he belongs – House 51 and at his side. His telling absence starting to take an emotional toll on the Squad 3 team members; on them all.

Casey quickly wipes his eyes and gets out. The area, although being partially kissed with the sun, basks in its own glow of deathly silence. He knows he will not find happiness here. Nor does he expect it; Severide and Shay have shared a close bond for as long as he's known they've known each other, practically since the day they met. It was as if Severide had lost a part of himself; in a way he has and Casey knows, that much like losing Hallie there are some wounds that time _will not _heal – ever.

He spies some of the chopped wood and is somewhat relieved that Severide was able to do something with his time away but at the same time doesn't know how long it's been like that so his hope could be short lived.

With a heavy sigh he pushes past the silent pile of wood and heads toward the front door, his heart rate starting to gain painful momentum with each somewhat hesitant step he takes. Right after the horrible incident he had wanted to give Severide some space to mourn in his own way but now…now he was starting to slip away from work and their friendship and he wasn't about to just stand by and let that happen without a fight. It had been a month. It had been too long. It was time to take action.

He knocks on the door but is greeted with only silence in return. So he decides to wait before taking a chance to turn the door handle and enter. As soon as he does he's greeted with another uncomfortable chill and his whole frame, already on edge from his shattered nerves, offers a very visible shiver.

"Kelly?" Casey calls out softly, not wanting to wake his friend in case he was sleeping. But he gets only silence in return. So he decides to do a little bit more investigating. "Hey buddy you in here?" However, he doesn't have to look too far as he nears the open kitchen and then stops and utters a very audible gasp before he hurries a few feet and then drops to his knees; his heart racing that something terrible has happened to his fallen friend.

"Kelly! Oh no!" Casey practically shouts as he quickly feels for a pulse. First thing he notices is the cool flesh under his warm fingertips and wonders if perhaps he's maybe too late. Had he drunk himself to death? He smells the very strong odor of alcohol and can only grit his teeth as he gently taps Severide's face. "Kelly…hey buddy it's me. Come on, open your eyes and look at me. That's it. Kelly!"

Severide's watery eyes slightly flutter as his brain tries to acknowledge the voice behind the mask of fuzziness before him. "Dad?" He manages hoarsely as his brain struggles to find its way past the thick emotional fog.

Part of his brain starts to recall him being alone in his once shared apartment with his beloved fallen roommate, yelling into the air, breaking a glass and then grabbing his wallet and keys and bolting for the door.

He drove and drove and drove…driving with silent rage and welling tears until he reached the cabin and then yelled and screamed into the air before his throat burned and lungs threatened to collapse. He thought that keeping busy would be best and did some fishing and some chores around the cabin but it was to no avail. Nothing took away the pain of losing Shay. Of seeing her dead. Of knowing he failed to bring her back. Every chop just resounded with his failure. So he headed inside, grabbed the bottle of whisky and tried to forget Shay's smiling face by drowning his sorrows in gulp after gulp after gulp of the golden poison.

Then…he passed out. And now…someone is here…but…who?

"No," Casey replies as he tries to help Severide stand up. "Come on man I gotta get you up off the floor."

_Casey? _His brain finally and correctly acknowledges. "She's gone…" Severide's lips mutter in anguish as he looks up at Casey, his cold fingers trying in vain to grasp his sweater and hold on. "She's…gone."

"Come on…I've got you," Casey tells his friend as he tries to pick him up off the floor. But Severide's frame won't have it and soon a mild struggle ensues which makes Casey let go and step back.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Severide shouts as Casey kneels back down, refusing to give up or give in.

"I tried to push you away once and you never let me run away or be alone. I've let you be on your own for too long after her death. I can't just see you like this and walk away. I can't."

"GO AWAY!"

"NO!" Casey shouts back before he lets his body sag against the fridge, opposite Severide's still slumped onto the floor. "I can't believe it either," he laments as his eyes water and he looks at Severide in misery. "I'm not leaving. I won't."

"I keep seeing her…just lying there…that blood…she wasn't moving….I should have been able…to save her," he manages in a gasp as he tries to reach for the half drunk bottle of whisky once more. Despite the fact that Casey's mind wants to dwell in the misery of his own stated words just after Hallie was murdered he spies an upcoming disaster and tries to prevent it.

"Give that back!" Severide growls as he claws at Casey's hands as they cling to the bottle and try to pull it away. "MATT!

But Casey merely moves himself out of reach as Severide's emotionally exhausted frame slumps back down. "I won't let you hurt yourself further."

"Give it back!"

"No!"

"She said she loved me…always…those were…oh God those were her last words to me…LAST EVER!" He shouts before he starts to choke on air and saliva, his body heaving as his cold, balled fists pounds the floor of the cabin. "Last…words," he whispers as he looks up at Casey in abject longing. "And now…she's…gone."

"I know."

"I…I can't go back there."

"Come on…"

"No… Matt I mean it…_51 is cursed. Nothing but misery and heartache there. I can't go back."_

But not wanting to give in, Casey tries to get the subject back on Severide's getting some rest. "You need…"

"GET AWAY!" Severide shouts as he tries once more to push away Casey's advances to get him off up off the floor and into someplace warm. "Just…get away from me!" Severide at first tries to fight him back once more, but the more energy he puts into fighting the faster his body starts to shut down and Casey is finally able to get him over to the couch, the item closest for his friend to lie down on and him to keep an eye on him.

"Just rest now."

Once Severide's on the couch, Casey heads for the bedroom to get a blanket to cover Severide and try to keep some of the precious body heat from escaping. "Ah damn!" Casey gently curses as he returns to see Severide trying to stand up, about to fall off the couch and do himself further harm. "No…Kelly, wait."

"I'm…fine," Severide grumbles as Casey is able to push him back on and then drape the blanket over him. "Why are you here?" He finally manages in one breath.

"Figure I owed you," Casey answers somewhat flippantly. But the little joke is lost on Severide as he turns away and cast a stony gaze toward the window.

"You don't owe me anymore."

"Kelly…"

"It isn't fair," he mentions with a clipped tone as he stares absently out the window. "She…she talked about making changes and…and plans for the future and…damn why'd it have to be her? Why!"

Casey hears the lament and feels his heart instantly ache. _'I have a new plan for us. Have been doing some thinking about what's important and I think it's time for a few changes…' _Casey's mind trails off as he thinks about the conversation he had with Hallie the morning of the day that she was so wrongly ripped away from his life.

"Why?" Severide mentions again. Casey knows the question is rhetorical as he looks down in sorrow; Severide finally looking up as a few warm tears escape the corners of his eyes and slide down his flushed cheeks. "Why?"

Casey shakes his head as he locks eyes with Severide and feels his heart sink once more. "I'm sorry. I don't know."

"Why couldn't I save her?"

"I wish I could answer that," Casey replies with a huff as Severide looks away once more. "The whole situation was just…wrong."

"Everything is so messed up. I can't…even…I can't go back to the apartment. I can't," his voice cracks as a sob tries to escape but is swallowed back down and then choked on. Again it was a request that Casey couldn't argue with; day in and day out, the dwelling would hold happy memories but it would also offer up daily bitter reminders of a bond that was now forever broken by death's unprejudiced sentence. It would play upon his mind until it drove him to do something drastic.

"I get it," Casey offers somewhat numbly as Severide's eyes glance over to the bottle on the counter. "That isn't the answer. At least that's what you told me remember?"

"I want her back. She was…we talked about the future and she had…oh God she had plans and…why her? Why?" Severide's throat restricts as he coughs once more. His body starts to gently convulse, drawing Casey in a bit closer in visual concern. "I'm…fine. I'm fine."

"You're not fine and you just need to rest now. I'll make something to eat when you get up."

"I don't need a damn babysitter!" Severide growls as he tries to kick Casey off the end of the couch. But once again, he tires himself out too quickly and slumps back down in emotional defeat. "Just…leave. I need to be alone."

"I get that too. I wanted to be alone but it was wrong. I can't just leave. I've left you alone too long to deal with this alone. I was so caught up in everything with the Austin guys and…damn man I'm sorry. I should have come sooner," Casey's voice trails off as Severide looks at him with a blank stare. "Just rest now, okay? I'm not going anywhere."

"She…said that…too. And she went…" he slightly gasps as his eyes squeeze shut and his voice lets out an angry yell. "SHE LEFT ME!"

But Casey doesn't try to stop him or hinder his friend's outburst in any way as he knows everyone expresses grief differently and this was one way of expelling inner turmoil. Casey sits quietly at the end of the couch for what seems like an eternity before Severide finally passes out and sinks into a troubled sleep. He had brought Boden's call log book, which he'd show him later, maybe when they went outside for some fresh air; a reminder of the lives they saved, of the good they do and how best to honor a woman that meant so much to both of them. He wasn't about to give up on his friend without a fight.

Casey doesn't have to wait long for his theory about Severide's lack of rest to be proved true, as his friend is ripped from one of many horrific nightmares, calling out to Shay and then cursing as he slumps back down, telling Casey he's fine and to leave him alone before he passes out once more.

Casey sits with Severide a bit longer before once again returning to the kitchen to clean up what he correctly assumes is dried bits of vomit on the floor and a few sticky whisky spills. He can only imagine the emotional ordeal he's been through in the past almost week but knows that now he's here to stay, until Severide is back on his feet as best he can and back trying to work past this with some professional help.

"AHHHHHHHH!" Severide's lips cry out as Casey looks in haste toward the living room and then dares to venture in that direction. "I can't…go back," he huffs as he tries to sit up and rub his stubble'd face. "I can't," he huffs somewhat firmly as he tries again to sit up and then slumps back down, complaining about his pounding head. "I need her back."

"Do you need to throw up?"

"No…I…oh damn yes…" Severide hisses as Casey hurries toward him with a bucket. The attempt only partly succeeds as he misses part of the bucket and some of the whisky flavored bile spews onto the floor. "Sorry…I'm sorry…oh damn Shay I'm so sorry…." Severide's body starts to shudder as Casey puts the bucket down and eases himself down beside his friend and offers a cloth that he can wipe his mouth and nose with. "I should have protected her…she…I failed her Matt…I failed her," his voice dies out as his lungs start to heave once more. "She uh…she was the only real family I had. My family…damn she…why'd she have to die?"

Casey's hand offers a supportive pat on Severide's back as he tries to sit up to stop his head from spinning. "You're not alone Kelly. You're not. I know it feels like it now but you're not," he tries to soothe his friend's tormented mind. It doesn't work.

"I am alone. I'll always be alone!" Severide grumbles. "Whatever."

This time Casey doesn't argue back as he knows that actions always speak louder than words and his being there for his hurting friend in the months to come would prove that he's his family; prove it more solidly than his words ever could.

Severide's head hangs in his hands as he recalls in his mind he and Shay seated on the couch talking about their futures and then life in general. She was the one that helped him make sense of life when it was at it's bleakest. She was the one that was at his side when life was at its most hectic and the first one in line for his sometimes harebrained schemes. She was the only one he was willing to make a whole lifestyle adjustment for and become a parent with. But now…all those hopes and dreams were gone, taken away by one unpredicted act. It rips him apart. It always will. Always.

He tries to picture himself back in their apartment but can't…seeing reminders of her in practically every part of their shared space; reminders that she was gone and life had created an emotional black hole that would never be filled. He has promised to keep her safe always. And now…he had failed. He didn't want company; as well meaning and ultimately soothing as Casey's company is to him, his friendship solid and true. Right now he wants to drown in misery.

"Just go man…seriously just…" Severide states as he tries to move and then curses as the room starts to spin even faster. "Ah damn it!"

"You just need to remain still and let the hangover pass," Casey recommends in a tender tone; knowing that he's not about to leave no matter what Severide tells him. But Severide isn't listening.

"Stupid building fire! STUPID DAMN PROPANE TANKS!" Severide shouts as he kicks out, sending the bucket and it's watery contents toppling over. He looks up at Casey with a tear stained face and then shakes his head. "I need to suck it up right."

"You told me after Hallie died that just sucking it up and dealing with Andy's death on your own was the wrong thing to do. No, you don't need to suck it up. You need to deal with it, talk about it…whatever but being alone isn't right. You told me that and now I'm telling you the same thing."

"Shoulda kept my big mouth shut," Severide retorts as Casey's face finally softens.

"I'm going to make some coffee and then I think we should sit outside on the deck. Get some fresh air. _I brought Boden's log book. The ones that he makes notes by hand after every call. You know what he writes in the column in the far left? The lives we saved. The ones that made it out alive. That we rescued."_

"I don't…I don't care. Matt…I DON'T CARE!"

"I DO! I know you do to," Casey shouts back and then quickly recants. _"The badges on the wall at the academy. Andy's. Shay's. They don't represent death. They represent the lives we've saved," _Casey finishes with a softer tone. "You need to hold onto that."

"I can't right now. I…I don't care okay? I'm not going back. I just…I can't. Matt…"

"Look, I wish I knew what to say Kelly, I really do. After Hallie died, I was so raw and lost but you helped me. You all helped me and now I'm going to help you."

"Shay helped. And now…"

"She'd want me to help you, you know that. She'd kick my ass if I just left you to fend for yourself. I can hear her getting after me already for being away too long," Casey reminds Severide in a kind tone. "I still miss her. That won't ever leave. You know that. You…ah hell we both still miss Andy. But um…I don't know what else to say because we all deal with it in different ways but…"

"That's right so you can go now…"

"But," Casey continues, "being here alone and just drinking yourself into a coma is wrong and I'm not leaving no matter what," Casey concludes in a kind tone. "I'm going to make some coffee."

"Matt…" Severide growls as Casey looks back in amusement.

"Really? Still not getting it that I'm not leaving yet?" Casey retorts lightly.

Severide's lips offer a heavy hiss as he lies back down on the couch as his mind whisks him back in time to that fateful moment and his eyes freshly water once more. _'SHAY' _his mind yells in silent misery. _"Who wants to go through life without some heartbreak," _she had told him after just a week of living together and he was trying to give her dating advice; even back then, right from the start wanting to shield her from something that would hurt.

"I miss her," Severide whispers as his shoulders start to shudder and he sits back up. He thinks back to the time they made their first home movie about the contract; the two of the sitting on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniels being shared between the after Shay's latest bad girl date of the week had left and he had few protective words to offer.

_"Any other rules?" _He remembers asking her as he pointed the camera at her smiling face.

_"Just one…that we promise to be there for each other. Always."_

The tears start to flow freely once more as he hangs his head and sobs. Casey looks over at Severide and knows that despite the fact he too sees himself holding Shay's dead body, pulling Severide away and telling them the medics need to clear her from the building that it wouldn't haunt him as emotionally as it would his mentally distraught friend. He fears it'll take its toll but not in a good way and he'd have to keep an eye on him going forward.

Casey leaves the coffee for a few minutes and comes and sits by Severide; Severide's mind recalling her words that they'd always be there for each other and feeling them stabbing him to the heart. Now Casey was there for him, it's what friends do. It's what she'd want…expect, need of him to do to look after her best friend. That was his job now, Casey's, and he'd do it for her. Always.

A few minutes later Casey heads back to the kitchen to finish the coffee and then returns to the couch where Severide is still sitting upright and just staring mutely at a picture of him and Shay on his phone. Casey looks at the picture and feels his eyes also water; his brain recalling the happy memory when he took the picture and Shay telling them to not post it online or else feel her wrath.

"She…wanted so much from life."

"I know," Casey numbly agrees; again wishing he had the exact right words to take away his friend's pain. He knows he doesn't. He remembers that Severide had caught him _before_ he launched into his own alcohol-induced misery. But now that he had arrived _after_ Severide had started without much warning, he could at least assure his friend that he wouldn't let it go on much longer.

"I can't stay there. The loft. I um…I just can't."

"I'll help you move," Casey tells Severide in truth, knowing he'd be there for his friend no questions asked. He didn't want to mention it right now but after Severide was of a more lucid mind, he'd offer his friend the spare bedroom in his home; telling him he could use it for as long as he wanted, until he felt emotionally stable enough to be on his own.

The two of them sit side by side on the couch for a few silent minutes before Severide looks up and Casey sees the look of haunted failure flashing in his usually warm blue orbs and his heart starts to ache.

"I tried to save her…I tried. I tried to bring her back," Severide whispers in anguish as his eyes freshly water. "Everything is just so wrong now."

"I know," Casey echoes a second time as he hands Severide the steaming mug. At first Severide tries to push his hand away, shaking his head that he didn't want any and just wanted to continue to dwell in his own emotional hell. But Casey doesn't give in and waits a few seconds before trying again.

"I don't…want any!" Severide states with a hiss before his lips gently gasp.

"You need it."

"I need…her back. Back here…with us. That's…what I need most right now. That's what I need."

"Yeah…me too," Casey agrees as Severide looks at him with a broken glance before finally giving in and taking the hot cup. In a few minutes, or whenever they were ready, Casey would suggest they move to the small bench outside and just sit in the fresh air and listen to the silence…their sobs and of course each other. Bonding. Grieving. Healing. Cementing their friendship and of course – never forgetting.

Casey looks over at Severide's slumped shoulders and feels his heart sink for maybe the fiftieth time in the past few hours; that pattern to be repeated in the coming days…possibly weeks, maybe even months. But no matter what would come, no matter what they would face, he had vowed in the moment that Shay was pulled from Severide's grasp, pulled from that horrific death scene, pulled from their lives, that he would help his friend…be there for him, at his side no matter what and that come what may, Severide would never have to face anything alone again – ever. He'd be there for him as close friends do. Always.

"I'm sorry," Casey whispers.

_Shay's face appears before them with a beautiful smile and a twinkle in her eyes._

_"I love you…always."_

**Always.**

**THE END!**

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Okay so it's been a few months and we feel kinda rusty but you tell us how we did. Yup was supposed to be very emotional and angsty and if you felt that (maybe some anger too) then we achieved our literary goal. I didn't want to make it the same as my other emotionally heavy piece from season one ("shattered") when Hallie died and I left it a bit open ended b/c I don't know what the rest of the season will bring but you can be sure that if there are other broments they will continue after this one like I did with Casey's injury last season. So….thoughts? However, I am only mildly excited about the three of them living together, b/c iif it was with Shay, that'd be great (yeah only AU from now on *weeps) or even better just our two boys but with whats her face? Come on writers! I agree the death of Shay was unfair and lame (sigh) but I hope you liked this #teamsevasey piece. Please do review before you go and let me know if you liked it and are on board for more #sevasey broments stories (either long or OS's) this season and thank you all in advance!


End file.
